losing it (and loving myself)

One of my biggest fears when I found out I was pregnant was the weight gain. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Weight has always been a sore subject with me, and knowing that I'd have a hard time actually controlling my weight for a change was really a struggle for me to accept. Unfortunately, it also hindered some of my joy regarding the changes in my body while I was pregnant, as well. 

When Ryan and I found out we were expecting, I was in the process of trying to lose a lot of the bulk weight I gained while doing CrossFit, but I felt as though I'd barely started when I got pregnant and started putting on the pounds for our sweet peanut. Guys, I was strong when I did CrossFit, but I gained almost 15 lbs of muscle that I hadn't hoped to gain - along with bulk from improper fuel.

Honestly, whether I looked bad or not was irrelevant. I felt bad about myself, and that's what matters.

^^^ circa 2013 - in the middle


Despite being unhappy with my weight and physique though, I justified it, saying that I was strong - and I was, mind you - and that was what mattered. But I watched my weight climbing, and I hated it. While pregnant, I didn't gain too much, but that 15 I lost after quitting CrossFit definitely packed back on, and I while I should have loved my growing body, I resented the changes.

^^^ 37 weeks. I by no means looked bad, but I struggled with the weight gain.

5 months after delivering Spencer though, stress was taking its toll on me again, and though I'd lost my baby weight, I started watching the pounds creep back on again. I was making excuses as to why I couldn't work out...no time, too tired, not enough energy...and I was drowning my disappointment in myself in food. I was really, really struggling. 

After a heart to heart with Ryan though, he agreed that I had to get this under control for my sanity, as well as my health, and I joined Weight Watchers. I'd started a running regimen, and I was seeing inklings of progress, but it was slow-going, and I knew I needed to fix my diet, as well, if I wanted to see real changes. I was humbled going to my first meeting because, though I knew I needed the accountability and the help, I was embarrassed that I couldn't do it alone.

Now, however, I am so, so happy that I went...and that I'm still going. As of yesterday, I'm 9 weeks, and I'm down 14.4 lbs. I have about 17 to go to my ultimate goal weight (a healthy one), but I'm learning to eat properly, love myself and my body again, and that's what's most important to me. 

Will I ever be super skinny? No, and that's not my goal. My goal is health, happiness and feeling truly comfortable in my own skin, and I'm so excited to say that I'm getting there. I told Ryan from the start that I didn't want more children until I got my body issues under control, and thankfully, it's working. Guys, I'm not selling you on a product, or a fad, or a diet. Promise. I'm telling you though, if you're missing a key to happiness in your life, work towards it. This journey is so fulfilling - even just now. 

7 comments

  1. You are so awesome! I love that your focus is loving your body, not trying to make your body conform to what anyone else says looks right :) Way to go!

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  2. I love this post - thanks for sharing!! And good for you for putting you and being healthy first. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and that's ok :)

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  3. That is awesome. You looked amazing at 37 weeks btw. Weight gain/loss is something so many people struggle with, esp with "fat shaming" everywhere. I can be healthy in a size 8 or a size 2. I felt my best in June of 2014, after losing a ton of weight. I am not gaining weight again, but for a good reason. I'll be on this road with you soon!

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  4. Proud of you and the journey you are taking for yourself!

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  5. Great job on your progress so far... both the weight loss AND the feeling better about yourself. You know I totally understand after all my weight loss, pregnancy weight gain, and now weight loss again. I've lost about 31 pounds of my pregnancy weight so far, and have 39 to go. I gained WAY WAY too much over the course of those nine months and I am so regretting it now, but all I can do is keep pushing forward and losing the weight in a healthy, slow way.

    For the record, I think you have always looked great, even during your pregnancy! I know what's most important though is how YOU FEEL, and I'm glad to see you are getting back on track with that aspect. Ever since I gained some of my weight back during the pregnancy, I have felt SO self-conscious... the exact same way I felt before losing my original 120. It's NOT a good feeling at all. I want to look good again of course, but I also want to feel good about myself... that's the more important piece.

    Here for you in any way I can be since I know 100% how you are feeling. Keep up the good work!!!

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  6. Girl, you are not alone in this!! Before getting pregnant with Mia, one thing I HAD to be okay with was kissing my body goodbye. I just knew it would never be the same and I had to be okay with parting with it (sounds weird, I know!) After having Mia I completely changed my diet over the course of the next few months (I guess it actually started when I was pregnant since I knew all my nutrients were going to her, and nursing her also motivated me to get healthier) and had more motivation than ever to work out. And I worked out hard. Running 4 miles a day, 6 days a week, lifting weights, etc. I got in the best shape I've ever been in and it felt good to feel strong! So I again struggled with the idea of getting pregnant... after ALL that hard work I had to kiss it goodbye again! It's been harder for me this time around being pregnant... not to see the scale go up (whatever, I know it's going to happen) but to see all the muscle I've lost. It's alllll gone! There's not even any definition in my arms... and I still work out 6 days a week! Ugh! Luckily I know just how worth it these babes are! It's hard work to feel good, healthy and strong again after having a baby, but it's oh so worth it! I'm proud of you, girl!!

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  7. i completely - well, almost - understand. weight will always be a sore subject for me, and i know i will have issues with it when i have kids. at the end of the day, you need to be happy with yourself and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. and nothing to be embarrassed about not being able to do it alone - we all need a little help sometimes. congrats on the weight loss!

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