losing it (and loving myself)

One of my biggest fears when I found out I was pregnant was the weight gain. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Weight has always been a sore subject with me, and knowing that I’d have a hard time actually controlling my weight for a change was really a struggle for me to accept. Unfortunately, it also hindered some of my joy regarding the changes in my body while I was pregnant, as well.

When Ryan and I found out we were expecting, I was in the process of trying to lose a lot of the bulk weight I gained while doing CrossFit, but I felt as though I’d barely started when I got pregnant and started putting on the pounds for our sweet peanut. Guys, I was strong when I did CrossFit, but I gained almost 15 lbs of muscle that I hadn’t hoped to gain – along with bulk from improper fuel.

Honestly, whether I looked bad or not was irrelevant. I felt bad about myself, and that’s what matters.

Despite being unhappy with my weight and physique though, I justified it, saying that I was strong – and I was, mind you – and that was what mattered. But I watched my weight climbing, and I hated it. While pregnant, I didn’t gain too much, but that 15 I lost after quitting CrossFit definitely packed back on, and I while I should have loved my growing body, I resented the changes.

^^^ 37 weeks. I by no means looked bad, but I struggled with the weight gain.

5 months after delivering Spencer though, stress was taking its toll on me again, and though I’d lost my baby weight, I started watching the pounds creep back on again. I was making excuses as to why I couldn’t work out…no time, too tired, not enough energy…and I was drowning my disappointment in myself in food. I was really, really struggling.

After a heart to heart with Ryan though, he agreed that I had to get this under control for my sanity, as well as my health, and I joined Weight Watchers. I’d started a running regimen, and I was seeing inklings of progress, but it was slow-going, and I knew I needed to fix my diet, as well, if I wanted to see real changes. I was humbled going to my first meeting because, though I knew I needed the accountability and the help, I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do it alone.

Now, however, I am so, so happy that I went…and that I’m still going. As of yesterday, I’m 9 weeks, and I’m down 14.4 lbs. I have about 17 to go to my ultimate goal weight (a healthy one), but I’m learning to eat properly, love myself and my body again, and that’s what’s most important to me.

Will I ever be super skinny? No, and that’s not my goal. My goal is health, happiness and feeling truly comfortable in my own skin, and I’m so excited to say that I’m getting there. I told Ryan from the start that I didn’t want more children until I got my body issues under control, and thankfully, it’s working. Guys, I’m not selling you on a product, or a fad, or a diet. Promise. I’m telling you though, if you’re missing a key to happiness in your life, work towards it. This journey is so fulfilling – even just now.